Excerpt from the journal of Kinsley Babbington III, modern mapmaker and explorer. His journal was found inside a dilapidated bus in the Alaskan wilds, covered in strawberry jelly. Babbington has been missing for 11 years, but local detectives are “still hopeful.”
Oh, to be born in the wrong time! This is my curse and my shame. While generations before me had continents to explore and new civilizations to meet, I live in a world that becomes smaller by the minute.
Airplanes, automobiles, and the internet have made a once-vast and mysterious world that was full of sights worth questing years to see… accessible to even the most pitiful man. Some fool climbed atop the Great Pyramid of Giza and posted it on whatever a YouTube is! Children are educated about the feats of great explorers like Lewis and Clark or Ferdinand Magellan but can cover the distance they fought tooth and nail to travel in mere hours. We truly in an era of cowards and nincompoops.
The desire to sally forth and explore, a quality that is so essential to what make us human, is dying, and there is nothing I believe I can do. The greatest shame of this age is the lost art of creating and even reading maps. Maps! Once our most precious tools, they have now been felled by cellular phone and newfangled GPS machines. Unnatural, I say! Man was never intended to be shown the way, but to make his own!
I dare say, a man like me with such lust for adventure has truly been slighted by being born in this forsaken age! If I hear another person say the phrase “Waze it” or get told to turn left by a robot one more time… I might just lose all my precious marbles.
Thank the stars above for my grandfather, Babbington I, for leaving me his StorBox unit after his passing. The old Casanova, I could kiss him! His lust for adventure rivaled even my own! But he had something I never did… A storage unit full of old maps, and charts!
Now that I have gained this amazing, climate-controlled StorBox unit as a matter of inheritance, I have found the notes for an adventure that my dear grandfather was planning but was never able to undertake.
The old genius mapped out the potential location of the lost Russian steam-powered icebreaker ship Sadkova, which was rumored to be transporting the Czar’s treasure out of the country during the Bolshevik Revolution!
My mother continues to tell me not to get my hopes up, and that grandfather had lots of ideas in his head, the Sadkova never existed and that I should ask someone named Google, and that these charts were made when he was deep in the depths of dementia. I say, Columbus didn’t need this Google to sail to San Salvador and think it was India!
I’m going to Alaska just as grandfather would have wanted, by riding his donkey Paul, who also came with his storage unit. When I return, I shall be in possession of the lost Russian treasure of Czar Nicholas II!
Tomorrow, Paul and I shall sally forth to our destiny! It is a long journey from Pasadena to Alaska, but exploring was never meant to be easy. I’m just grateful grandfather left me this amazing StorBox unit to sleep in before I set forth on my journey of a lifetime!
Paul the Donkey was found outside a Circle K in Seattle, and is living a happy, quiet life on a ranch in Spokane, WA.