LeBron may have invented the Million-Dollar Mile™, but he didn’t bring the June games we hoped for to Staples Center. In fact, the Lakers did worse than usual this season. Oh yes, it is possible. May we remind you it’s now been six years since their last playoff appearance in 2013? People are abandoning ship and jumping on the Clippers bandwagon, and even you can’t argue with them.
We’d never blame King James, of course. And we’d blush to think that he only came out here for the poolside weather and the executive producer credits! Not true! The second coming of Michael Jordan wants another ring. Because if his career implodes, those things are worth thousands of dollars on eBay. He won’t be stuck doing commercials with The General for cheap auto insurance.
But we can’t let those Warriors reign supreme forever. That would give San Francisco the bragging rights over Los Angeles. San Francisco, famous for natural disasters and having an island prison, while we’re the center of the arts and film and creativity… You know what? Let’s just pretend we know nothing about basketball, the most exciting game in the world.
Um yeah, so sports amirite? So the Lakers didn’t do a thing this year that would… get them in the thing. It’s all Phil Jackson’s fault… right?
Who knows; you’ve just heard that name a few times, and you really only bought all this gear because the new guy you met on Hinge is a diehard Lakers fan. When you asked on your first date if Kobe and Shaq were still on the team, you expertly disguised your faux-pas with a coughing fit.
But now your new beau is gone because he’s “just not into labels, you know?” and all you have to dry your tears are jerseys that say Metta World Peace for whatever reason. Your ever-supportive best friend had a great point, though: since you’re never planning on leaving L.A., it’s possible that another Laker fan is your future and you better hang onto that stuff! Or she can use it one day; that too.
Whether you’re letting sports amnesia wash out your disappointment or just doin’ it for the ballers, you can keep your purple-and-gold swag tucked away in a secure unit at StorBox. We offer a range of sizes to contain your newfound enthusiasm, should the golden boys rise to the top again next year. Or the next. Within ten years. You know, we’re betting fifty years should do it. LeBron will be mostly robot by then, but he’ll still be an anchor point on the team. Bring it home, Lakers!!